beautiful winter days

Oh these last two days in SF have been so beautiful, that kind of bright but mild winter sun all day! I did what Sally did and didn’t post when I had bad news to report… my sutures didn’t come out Thursday as planned, they weren’t ready, so Monday is the big day, but I’m not getting my hopes up. The heat has gone away from that area (good) and it’s still crazy itchy (good). I am trying not to count all of the hair that keeps coming out. OK, so it’s obvious I’m counting it haha. Luckily I haven’t woken up to pain from accidentally turning my head in my sleep. I had one of those weird dreams where I dreamt I was tired. Kind of paradoxical. I dreamt that I was really trying hard to sleep in this bed with a heavy blanket and people keep disturbing me. I guess dreams aren’t escapist fantasies…

Trying to distract myself with nanowrimo and buying an apartment. Also decided to stop self-pity decadence and get back to efforts to being healthy. Got dressed up last night and went out with friends, so that was part of the “care for self” issues. I did a home-spa, that type of thing. It was kind of annoying to have to retell the story and tell people they couldn’t look. I actually asked my vet-tech friend if she could see the sutures through my hair.

Disturbing moment yesterday morning that got me depressed… went to Peets like I always do, and ran into friend who is always there (Rhett) and her girlfriend. Rhett and I talked about the election and our mutual friend, then I, stupid girl I am, told her about accident (there really was a lull in conversation) and she goes to look immediately and I’m not even sure if I thought of saying “no” — but her expression and her girlfriends was truly … what, not sure… disgusted? It’s almost the price you get for being obnoxious though.

Part of my feelings is/are also that I was acutely embarassed, but why should I be? It’s not my fault, I didn’t do my hair badly or smear shit on my head. Someone did this to me and I’m recovering from it. The people who look actually seek it out. It’s something that people just are curious. Like why they like horror movies or go to freak shows. I guess I’m vain and I have a hard time thinking: will they always associate me with this ugly scar? It was almost easier to get this type of disturbing reaction from someone that I rank as more an acquaintance than good friend. Ex wanted to see it at the vote party and was the most up front about the entire dilemma: “You know I’m going to look anyway.” To which was my reply was “fine, I don’t have to know about it. Keep your response to yourself.” His refrain is also (and I heard this again last night) “I guess the hair is never going to grow back.” THANKS A TON JEFF. Ha ha. His error was always saying *exactly* what he was thinking with absolutely no filter.

What’s also interesting is people I’ve met *since* the accident, like Garett and Leith – they really could care less. They don’t want to look, and they frequently forget that it happens. The gossip just isn’t fresh or something. Friend of mine had pretty serious almost-cancer issues (tests came back positive, biopsies, scraping, still on “watch”) and she didn’t tell anybody, and managed to keep it personal for a long time. I’m just not that kind of person though. If it’s running in my RAM I tell everyone. I drew the line with certain gorey aspects of the last visit to my doc – she basically gave me a diff. way to care for it. I can talk and ask questions from my vet-tech friend who has all of the info, just for animals. I guess she has to do sutures all the time and assists in surgeries. So she gave me the low down on how exactly they will remove them, etc.

(wow this is l long entry) Yet another aspect of this is the hygiene issue. OK, I’ve never been a big hygeine person. I got into fancy products a few years ago but otherwise I’ve been pretty hippy about it. Having a scar/wound though makes me even more self-conscious about it though. 2 showers a day – not necessarily to be “clean” but to step up the care and make sure this puppy heals right. Sometimes when I’m dating someone I’ll take extra attention to detail, but on my own I’m more “how can I cut down on the time and get to the cafe” haha. Now I just want to stay home and not deal with prepping to go out in to the outside world!

I’m thinking a lot about that accordian player who said he stopped focusing on his limitations and more on his abilities. While there are things I can’t control, there are a lot of things I can control – so I’ve started up with the daily little workouts and doing more walks. Probably won’t resume basketball since I only have 1 game left of the season and still feel fragile. Trying to eat a diverse, adequate portion-style meals too.