My Apt. vs. the Ritz

A while ago, I planned a tea at the Ritz, which led me to their site to find good directions and then I started ogling the rooms. Is my life up to snuff?

The Ritz My Apt
Wireless Internet access In every room, baby!
Built-in electrical outlets and Broadband connections on guestroom desktops Not sure what they’re talking about- CAT5? And what are outlets that aren’t built-in?
32-inch high-definition, LCD flat-panel televisions with dual speakers and DVD/CD player Yes, but built-in speakers.
Two-line speakerphone with dataports and voicemail 1/2 point – 1-line, no speakerphone, but voicemail
Electronic in-room laptop safe No, I camouflage it in my bookshelf. Shhhhhh.
Feather beds, down comforter with duvet OK what’s a comforter without a duvet, in a hotel room? That’s gross. I have both, natch.
400-thread-count, 100% combed cotton Frette linens Dress me in designer sheets, I never get enough. I’m Ikea. Ouch.
Fully stocked honor bar with refrigerator Not so fully stocked, more like, whatever people have brought over and has not been drunk yet…
Plush terry bathrobes Do t-shirts and fleece work?
Lodgenet pay-per-view movies iTunes and FilmYard (requires short walk)… I get maybe half a point here.
Compact disk player/clock with AM/FM radio and alarm People still listen to CDs?
Hairdryer Yep (what hotel doesn’t have a hair dryer?)
Italian marble bathrooms with double sinks, telephone, separate water closet and Bulgari amenities They had me at “Italian marble”.
I Ritz-Carlton logo umbrellas No, but I do have a lot of schwag, and no longer seek more schwag.
Full-size ironing board and iron Yes! And yet I never iron…
Business center fax/printer dohickey
Same day valet service I have same HOUR valet service- washer and drier en route to bedroom. No magic fairies to do the laundry though (note: must have children some day).
24-hour in-room dining with menu changing monthly Due to mold, my food does change monthly in my refrigerator, 24 hours a day.
Valet parking Self-parking, baby.
Multi-lingual staff I’m multi-lingual, and I work here… and I am a company of one!
On-property car rental Nope
Signature shop Nope, but this goes in the “who cares” category (along with this post?)
Complimentary overnight shoeshine Nope, yet another “don’t care” category.
24-hour personal wake-up service Nope- this would indeed rock, especially if it’s someone I can ramble on about my I can sleep in, and they can excuse me nicely so I go back to sleep with a clear conscience.
Cellular phones available for rental Nope.
Hanson Gallery Don’t know the significance of this…
Child care Nope… “don’t care” category.
USA Today delivered daily to guest room Who reads this paper?
Complimentary Wall Street Journal If I steal my neighbor’s…