This Is Not A Life Event

Asian American Doctor talking to woman of color with her child

Good morning, Kaiser. Can I get your social security number, address, and fingerprint to make sure I know who I’m talking to.

Thank you. Now you are asking for new coverage. Oh, you had coverage, but you lost your job. Lucky for you this is a life event!

Yes, we determine if you are experiencing loneliness, impairment, divorce*, death, or ennui. As an organization we have determined the Western, culturally specific rituals that are key transitions in your life, giving you the option to pay $550 a month. Per person. Wait, your child is large? Or very tiny?Asthmatic, insecure, and has delusions of grandeur? Add on $300.

Also, any given administration will add a layer of either total bureaucracy or strange exceptions.

Let me tell you secret… if you relocate to any all-winter country where you don’t speak the language and your child is regarded as a monkey, you can receive the same, if better, healthcare for $30 a year. You won’t understand their adorable if indecipherable language. Unless they are Canadian.

Speaking of all-winter countries, I hear Russia will hypnotize you instead of using anasthesia. I’m personally interested in trying that.

Oh, you can also take an all package trip to Cancun (tequila!) to undergo 10 arterial bypasses, in a foreign language, with doctors that don’t care, with no follow-ups, for the price of one month of Kaiser.

Did I mention each x-ray at Kaiser is $5,000 without coverage? I can see from your chart you already need about 10. Being unemployed is stressful!

Medicare will carry everything for free – I always forget to mention that! – it will take 6 months and endless hold music to qualify.

Yes, thank you so much for calling Kaiser and we will send you 10 surveys about this conversation but not read or act on any responses.

*You have a question? Yes, if you marry your boyfriend, or really any man for that matter, that is a life event and you can get health insurance. What a creative idea! Do be warned, he will get half your IRA in California if (and, I hope not…) it doesn’t work out.