MAANG Headquarters
HR: “Thank you for coming to your 60th year checkin. Thank you for being an employee for, what is it, 10 years! That’s amazing. We’re now going to give you your package…”
Employee: “Oh, is that a present? How sweet! My dad got crystal tumblers, is it something like that?”
HR: “No… um, it’s a certificate of your service! And a resignation letter for you to sign.”
Employee: “Oh there must be a mixup. I didn’t, um, I’m not… “
HR: “Nobody told you? Well you looked around, right? Nobody is here past 60.”
Employee: “But I have good reviews on my work. And I make top contributor each month…”
HR: “Yes, but I think here we have, (looks at clipboard) yes, someone reported you now use bifocals, now don’t you?”
Employee:(looks around nervously) “Yes, doctor said it’s something to do with the eye muscles.”
HR: “And you didn’t know what the `demure` meme was, reported by one of your younger colleagues.”
Employee: “What the fuck? The Demure Meme? What is this?”
HR: “No need for language. Yes, and I hear that you need to copy someone else’s Google Sheet formulas. You use the VERY LARGE Gmail font. Oh, and yes, you still call it ‘Excel.’” She looks at him over her glasses. “Really. That’s dating yourself, isn’t it. Excel! Well really.”
Employee: “This is ridiculous.”
HR: “Well we won’t be issuing your PTO, since it’s “limitless” here. But you will get Cobra, at $5,000 a month. (cough) You need to pay that.
If I haven’t said it, thank you so much for working here for… 10 years!”